What Is Awesome

In April 2010, TBS announced that Conan O’Brien, deposed from his seat as host of the Tonight Show, would host a new show on the channel beginning the following November. What’s awesome about this venture is that it’s unchartered territory: Conan won’t be following in the footsteps of Letterman, as he did in Late Night; nor will he be following in the footsteps of Steve Allen, Johnny Carson, or Jay Leno. He has no obligation to use similar formulas or bits as his predecessors: he has a blank check to do whatever he wants and a hefty budget to support it. No one knows what to expect – not even Conan himself.

Who knows what's coming down the pipeline? (image courtesy Troy Holden)

At the moment, this situation is like a 7^th grade student council election. Back in my day, kids running for student council representative would gather votes through making outlandish promises that would appeal to a wide swath of eleven-year-olds, ignoring completely the feasibility of those changes. Like “Free candy all day!” or “No school on Fridays!” or “The Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync will perform an acoustic set together daily in the cafeteria, with biweekly guest appearances by 98 Degrees and Ricky Martin!” Keep in mind this was the late 1990s.

So here are eight awesome things I’d like to see on Conan’s new show, with no consideration of the practicality of any of these options.

Branch out in the top of the show. One of the best segments from Conan’s Tonight Show run was his very first cold open, where he appears to be sprinting across the country from New York to Los Angeles while Cheap Trick’s “Surrender” plays in the background. And – spoiler alert – his live show begins with a hilarious video segment featuring a fat and unshaven Conan bumbling around the house in a state of depression. Why begin the show every damn time with a monologue if you don’t have to? Let’s see more craziness at the top of the show!

ROCKING OUT. The “Legally Prohibited” Tour features several musical numbers where Conan fronts the band on guitar and vocals. The crowds have been eating this up and craving more, and with good reason – dude’s got chops. Please give us more of your rockstardom, Coco.

Rock. Star. (image courtesy JasonBaldwin)

More Clutch Cargo. Conan’s Tonight Show didn’t have enough Clutch Cargo, a bit where he’d talk to “celebrities” which were, in actuality, a static image of the interviewee with an impersonator’s lips on top. Past guests included Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Arnold Schwarzenegger (JINGLE ALL ZE VAY!), so why not update the segment with inane conversations with Barack Obama, Ahmadinejad, and Snookie and the Situation?

Pyrotechnics and explosions. Let’s break stuff! One of Letterman’s famous stunts during his time on Late Night was dropping stuff off of a five-story tall roof and showing the destruction. This bit wins every time – who doesn’t want to watch a 300 lb. safe demolish a car? Conan did some of this on the Tonight Show, one example being a monster truck crushing the world’s largest pumpkin. But why not up the ante and add lots and lots of fire? BLOW SHIT UP.

Integration with Time Warner’s other properties. When NBC merged with Universal, they acquired the rights to Walker, Texas Ranger, thus birthing one of Late Night’s classic segments: the Walker, Texas Ranger lever. Time Warner, aside from owning TBS, also owns HBO, TNT, Cartoon Network, and Adult Swim, among other channels, and all of the Looney Tunes cartoons EVER MADE – so Conan will have unfettered access to that intellectual property. Conan + old school cartoons = ?

Conan, as someone else. Conan’s run on TV had actors or, more often, writers portray beloved characters, like Fed Ex Pope (Brian McCann), Frankenstein (Brian Stack), Masturbating Bear (?), the Slipnutz (Brian Stack, Andy Blitz, Jon Glaeser), and more. In these segments, Conan would play the straight one. But I’d like to see the guy take on more ridiculous roles himself – he made a hilarious Conando in spoofing overacted Spanish telenovelas, and reportedly played Slim Chestershucks, a cowboy, for his crew during their live shows in Texas. He has the chops, so let’s see some absurd Conan-fronted characters. Super hero, rock star, tax attorney – the options are endless.

More elaborate remotes. Conan shines when he improvises, and that’s doubly true whenever he ventures off of the studio lot. Because the TBS show will air only four nights a week – Monday through Thursday – the staff will have an extra empty day to plan, film, and tidy up remote segments off campus. I hear Mexico isn’t too far from Los Angeles…

Beard shaving. Conan now boasts an unemployment beard, not having shaved since he lost the Tonight Show a few months ago. It’s unclear as to whether he’ll want to keep the beard when he starts again on TBS, but should he decide to shave it, he could chip away at it over time and wean us off of the scruff. It’d be a ridiculous transition from his full beard into any one of these. Especially mutton chops. Or the Franz Josef.

This post is tagged Comedy, Conan, Conan O'Brien, O'Brien, Television, TV